Sometimes we find ourselves caught up in how to fix the world around us and lose sight of the one place that all the fixes must start…the person in the mirror. I have spent years trying to solve everyone’s problems, fix people, change situations or structures to fit my image of what it should be. I became masterful at manipulating people in my life to mold them into what fit me. Somehow it always ended up a disaster in the end, with hurt, ruin and wreckage that took years to clean up.
The instant I realized that by keeping my mind focused on fixing others I wasn’t looking at myself, something shifted. I was not happy with the face in the mirror, I didn’t know how to fix it, but from the outside I believed I had the answers for everyone else. I ran from my sadness, my fears, my guilt, my resentment because I could not find the answers for my own disposition. There was nothing or no one to blame, only myself to hold responsible, and if I couldn’t fix me I would just ignore me. I could not control things that I felt, remembered, or regretted, so why try?
This lack of control over myself manifested a belief that if I helped fix others it would somehow frost over my own issues. In the end, I spent so much energy on everyone but me it built up resentments in those who never asked for my interference, and in me for what I perceived as their lack of appreciation. Talk about an EGO problem! This also manifested as envy due to the perception that others have what I want, or that I am better at this or that than they are.
My philosophical and spiritual quest, including lessons learned through education about codependency, led me to discover some of the false perceptions that I allowed to take over. Once I understood how to put my spiritual self in the driver seat and delegate the EGO to its rightful place, things began to become more clear. I was swimming in a pool of lack while looking for a glass of abundance.
Now that I am aware of this, I have made a conscious effort to turn that energy toward myself. When I begin to have those feelings of self loathing I try to call up all the good things I’ve personally accomplished and I think about someone else’s success. By thinking about that other person’s success and really focusing on my heart felt joy for them, it removes the need for me to experience their success. Envy stems from self deprecation, from feeling we are not at the same level as another…this is all a belief in lack versus abundance.
As I continue to work through this, I constantly remind myself that we are all part of a balanced system that requires every minute component of life, no matter how long in existence, no matter how great or small, each of us plays an important role in the unfolding of life itself. I am significant, you are significant, every form of life is significant. Just as we are. Right here, right now. So stay busy being you, and I will stay busy being me. Together we will be all we were meant to be.